Team Hetalia 2
by SheWhoWritesFanfiction
Summary: Oh god the crack XD Shewhoisawesome made me do it! Rated T for horrible, bloody cartoon violence (coming soon!)
1. Chapter 1

AN: To continue my tradition of obscure crossovers, here's a Hetalia/TF2 mix. …Shewhoisawesome made me do it! XD Just sit back and enjoy what I write when I'm up late with a derp-tacular crossover premise. I'll publish it tomorrow. Also, a few characters I wanted to use didn't have official human names; so I Google'd popular/traditional names for their countries. So, Cuba = Adelmo, Scotland = Colla, and Netherlands = Allard. Please let me know if I'm missing something :)

Chapter 1

RED

"Dear God, man! Quit sleeping on the job, we need you to continue repairs!" A loud British voice interrupted a peaceful dream, suspected to be featuring cats.

"Oh, I'm sorry, my friend. I guess I fell asleep."

"Sorry, nothing! It's my job to bust everything up and it's your job to fix it!" Bushy eyebrows set in a frown, he returned to… whatever he was doing, the sleepy Engineer couldn't be bothered to find out.

"Ah, Heracles, you sleep too much." He chuckled to himself, before taking a wrench and crawling towards one of his sentries, pausing occasionally to dodge a bullet. Glancing behind him, he noted that the rest of his team still had the flag good and secure. Nodding to himself, he began to work on a particularly beaten-up sentry gun, the gunfire pounding in the background and the odd 'boom' from Arthur, making a relaxing backdrop of noise. Maybe it wouldn't hurt for him to fall asleep for a little while.

"Bam, bam, bam! Hahaha, dude! I'm so fast, no-one can catch me!" Albert alternately giggled and shouted, racing towards the oncoming BLU Medic, weaving so as to avoid gunshot wounds. He couldn't let the BLU offense get healed…! "Wa-hey!" He yelled, with a cheerful swing of his baseball bat, catching the BLU Medic square in the jaw!

"Alfred, you fool, it's me! Francis!" The Medic's white coat faded, to show the snappy red suit of a Spy.

"Oh, sorry 'bout that, dude! Gotta run!" He rushed in the opposite direction, managing to stomp on the Heavy weapons guy's foot. "Matthias, man! Sorry, dude!" Francis shook his head, then held his jaw in pain.

"Medic!" His cry blended with an identical request coming from somewhere nearby.

"Medic!" It appeared that Adelmo was in trouble too. Soon, the hum of a medigun was to be heard.

"Never fear, the awesome Gilbert is here!" Spinning around with medigun at full power, no teammate (friend or foe) was left untouched, before the Medic ran off into the general melee. Above their heads, in a nearby building, a Pyro knocked on an old doorframe.

"Ah, Yao. Please, be coming in." The Sniper nodded at the masked figure in the doorway, which entered and sat down. "I see this man. You see crosshairs? Perfect setup. And…" He pulled the trigger. "Headshot." Yao began tugging at Ivan's scarf, gesturing towards the door. "What is it?" Having, it seemed, no time to explain, the Pyro grabbed his flamethrower and began lighting Ivan's lair on fire. "I see – we need to go." Rushing outside, Yao returned to the wider battle with a little skip of glee, while Ivan dived into a nearby door way and began scaling the stairs to a new hidey-hole.

BLU

"Feliciano, unless you get out there in the next ten seconds there will be no pasta until next week!"

"Aah! Ve, ve, I'll go!" Slightly quicker than the speed of light, an ahoge whizzed past a stern German expression, which turned to the figure beside him.

"It is a shame that this is the only way we can motivate him."

"Well, he always was an idiot."

"Aren't you supposed to be out there as well, Lovino?" He cocked an eyebrow.

"I guess so." The soldier emerged from the base onto the battlefield, without enthusiasm – before he was grazed by a passing bullet, "Okay, who did that!?" when he zoomed off in search of the offender. The man who remained sighed.

"Medic!" Preparing his medigun, Ludwig entered the fray, listening for the cry of the wounded. It seemed to be coming from the right… yep, the Sniper was in trouble. "Please, be careful with how much you use!" Roderich, frugal as ever.

"Why didn't you get a silencer this time!?" Ludwig demanded, ignoring Roderich's request to watch the medigun use.

"Do you know how much they cost!?"

"He does have a point." Their attention was grabbed by a calm voice, from behind a nearby sentry gun. "Those silencers aren't the cheapest equipment we can get. I find it much more efficient to use old sentry parts, sculpted like so." The owner of the voice was in the process of making a silencer out of the pieces of a broken sentry, occasionally pausing to repair another.

"At least Mr. Honda knows what I'm talking about!" – But Ludwig was already being called away – by Allard, to be precise. 'He is excellent with the heavy weapons,' he thought, 'but his self-preservation instincts leave something to be desired.' He ducked into a building, so as to allow the Pyro (who was giving off muffled noises of alternately concern and anger) to do his work.

"Ahaha, Emil, laddie! Ah ain't seen such a mess in all me life!" A booming Scottish voice congratulated the Pyro, accompanied by gunshots. "Ah think ah may be able to make it even better!" Tossing a few grenades into the air, he laughed again and dived into the melee. A nearby shadow shook her head. 'I'll never understand their tactics.' Natalia smiled a little as she slipped closer to an enemy building. 'Big Brother won't be able to notice me this time… not until I'm right next to him…' Crawling up the stairs on her hands and knees, sidling through the old doorframe, and she was right behind Ivan. At last.

"Hello, Big Brother." The RED Sniper turned in shock, grabbing a knife from his belt (well his rifle wouldn't be much use in hand-to-hand combat, would it?).

"Go away! I've told you before!" Ivan fairly sobbed, pushing her out of the door – and down the steps.

"Ah! Ow!" She landed at the bottom. "No-one eludes Natalia!" An ahoge with a strong Italian accent whizzed by:

"Then you'd better find him before he gets another roost!" Growling gently, Natalia skulked towards another building, leaving the battle raging behind her.

"No-one eludes Natalia… not even Big Brother…"

AN: Tell me what you think! And how much you hate me for getting the classes wrong! ^^; I got it all off the Hetalia Archives and what I thought of the show… and if anyone finds the human names obscure (and I know there are some that are), then I got most of them off the Hetalia Archives :3


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Look out, sane Internet; Chapter 2's coming at cha!

Chapter 2

RED

"Aw, man! I can't believe that we totally lost!" Alfred moaned, annoying his teammates and even himself, a little.

"You know that it could be worse! So please stop complaining!" Adelmo snapped back.

"Well it's certainly not my fault! My awesome abilities should be being utilised in a better fashion!"

"You bloody wanker, you left me stuck with 10% health back there, for half an hour!"

"Arthur has a point, and we all know that my brilliant skills at Spying should result in me getting the better equipment, and rooms, and ladies!"

"C'mon, everyone! It's a much better plan to do what we can with our resources!"

"Matthias has a point. We do not have good funding, and unless we want to go under as team then we work to keep afloat." Ivan's soft voice cast a sharp contrast to to load objections of the team.

"Mmff-aru!" Murmured Yao.

"Ivan, man! How are you not some kind of chief!? Or rather… second in command to myself!?" Alfred took the lead into the base, before flopping into a chair and rootling around in a nearby mini-fridge. "Where are all the sandwiches, anyway? I swear we had more than this…" The less scatter-brained members of the RED team's ears pricked up (in other words, none of them). Missing sandwiches? That could only mean…

"BLU spy in the base. BLU spy in the base." The computer's voice rung true; everyone prepare for the horror of a spy in the base! Dun-da-da-dun!

"Aw, bollocks, everyone get to the intelligence room!" Arthur practically pulled the door off its hinges as he opened it, letting everyone else stampede through.

"I will stay here to guard entrance." Ivan volunteered to – no one in particular, he was alone in the room. Sighing, he set up camp behind a bench and was lovingly prep'ing his gun when he heard that most dreaded and dreadful of catchphrases –

"Hello, Big Brother."

"No!" Ivan dived and ran off, leaving Natalia in the dust.

"Grr… at least I touched his shoulder." She looked at the fingertip she'd brushed up against his scarf; and in a few seconds she began to morph from that point, eventually looking exactly like her Big Brother. "Perfect." Sneaking through the hallways of the RED base, she carefully avoided the more suspicious of the RED team members. If she lost concentration, at any point, then she'd revert back to her original BLU Spy uniform… speaking of which, where was Big Brother? She hadn't seen him at all… maybe he'd think she was a doppelganger or something, if he did see her…

"BLU Spy! BLU Spy!" Okay, that couldn't be good. Natalia spun around to see the RED Spy staring at her accusingly – then with an odd expression of surprise on his face.

"Ah, it appears my nemesis is a lady!" He straightened up, put away his knife and grinned as he took a step towards her. 'These are odd tactics indeed.' "Would you like to accompany me in a little discussion on the finer pints of Spying, my lady?" That was the last straw.

"Pervert! I'm off to find Big Brother!" Giving him a hearty punch in the jaw, she took on his appearance and snuck off in search of Ivan. And instantly bumping into a RED Scout.

"Hey, Francis man, weren't you supposed to be guarding the intelligence room? Unless… you're not Francis!" Striking a heroic pose, Alfred side-stepped towards Natalia. 'At least this one isn't a pervert.'

"I, ah, am…" Trying (and failing) to replicate the RED Spy's strong French accent, Natalia spun on her heel and ran; but not faster than a Scout.

"Hahaha, dude! No-one can out-run me!" Tripping her swiftly, he had an excellent triumph for the RED team on his hands – before she twisted around on the ground and tripped him up as well, and standing while he held his head in pain. But she could see more RED team members coming around the corner – so she decided that she needed to make an exit. And fast.

BLU

"…And then he tried to seduce me!" Natalia's indignant cry rung throughout the BLU base.

"That pervert! He will not dare to mess with the BLU team when we are done with him!" Ludwig yelled at… no-one in particular.

"Mr. Ludwig, what is a seduce?" A soft Italian voice asked.

"You can ask the RED Spy while you bash his brains out!"

"Okay, then."


	3. Chapter 3

**AN**: The introduction of a new character! How will the miniscule fanbase cope with this…?! …Why am I talking to myself?

Chapter 3

Clenching her teeth, Natalia shielded her head from the shrapnel flying towards her position in the shadows. She supposed the RED British Demoman was off on one again. As she began planning where to hide next, she picked up the faint, faint sound of - yes. A distinctly Russian voice, from right above her…

"Big Brother…" She whispered, looking up - right into the barrel of a sniper rifle.

"These things may not be that great in close combat, but this should be an easy shot, da?" A distinct undertone of malice bred from fear bubbled under Ivan's RED uniform. Thinking fast, Natalia side-stepped - but caught the bullet in her shoulder, and stumbled out of sight, shouting;

"Medic! Medic!" Stopping against a wall, she felt a sharp pain in her other shoulder - turning with a gasp, she realised that her Big Brother was still able to fire at her from his perch. "D-ahh!" Staggering, she managed to get out of sight, and soon felt the familiar 'whoosh' of an approaching Medic - and the distinctive tapping noise of a Scout's feet hitting the ground. A RED Scout, to be exact.

"Hold on, Natalia! If I manage to get an übercharge then you can take him out with maximum efficiency!" He wasn't doing anything, just waiting for the little meter on his Medigun to charge up!

"I am shot in both the shoulders, fool, heal me!" The tapping was almost upon her - and so was the odd laugh she remembered from her adventure in the RED base. Wait, their Scout was a loud, stupid-sounding chap… and faster than the Scout coming towards her now… was it…?

"Ah, ma cheri, I can wait for you to be healed, no? In fact, I'll wait all the time in the world…" Gasping a little - with pain, and annoyance - Natalia spat out;

"Pervert! See, Big Brother, he takes on the form of one of his own team! Bad conduct!" - And she was hit with an übercharge, lessening the throbbing in her arms twice as fast as usual, and giving her the strength to slap the annoying French spy. "You confuse your own team, so that you may taunt me!" She frowned in distaste at the RED Spy.

"I must agree, that is very bad form. You bring down the productivity of your entire team, so that you may attempt ties with our women. Thankfully we are not handicapped so. The gun turret will shoot at you now." On the completion of the sentence, the gently smug-looking BLU Engineer nodded as Francis was chased out of the vicinity by a stream of gunfire.

"Francis, man, where were you!?" Yelled Alfred, sprinting past Francis.

"I was trying to get to know the BLU Spy." He straightened his lapels and tried to look dashing and unconcerned - attracting a small explosion from the BLU Demoman, and the attention of his team.

"You're a bloody idiot, Francis! You're supposed to be our stealth operator, we thought you were infiltrating their base while we kept them busy!" The RED Demoman yelled from across the map.

"Maybe I had my own objectives!"

"Or, maybe you were selfish, not a team player." A dazed voice came from behind a gun turret.

"Fine, fine, I'll do some valid work now." Francis flashed a rouge smile and melted into the background once again.

"I'll be surprised if he doesn't get distracted along the way." Adelmo muttered to Yao, when they got a free moment, before being knocked on the head by something… rectangular.

"Wrong again, mon ami!" Francis waved the BLU suitcase in the air, laughing triumphantly. "Win for the RED team! There's no spy better than me! Me!"

"C'ept for the Scouts!" A faint voice was heard in the background. "Scouts are the best, am I right guys? Guys? Are the gun turrets still - da-ah!"

"This French spy is frustrating me! Every time I wish to look for Big Brother, he distracts and impedes me! I wish to retreat, so that I may improve my methods and train to that I will eventually become one with Big Brother!" By the end of her speech, Natalia was standing on the BLU base's dining table, in a Silver Age 'Superman' pose.

"But lassie, we need a Spy on the team!"

"And you were the cheapest one we could find, how are we to afford the sandwiches if we get someone more expensive!?"

"Ve, ve! We do not want you to leave, Natalia!"

"Actually…" Ludwig gained the immediate attention of the team, and a sharp glare from Natalia - who was still on the table. "If you wish to withdraw for now, we do have a backup Spy ready for action. As far as I can tell, he's good - but he hasn't managed to be noticed by any other team, so we may use him."

"Is he-"

"Ja, Roderich, he will work for a pittance."

"Why is everyone talking to me in the third person?" A soft voice came from the corner.

"-Unt here he is! Natalia, you may stand down. Your post has been taken up by, uh…"

"Matthew."

"Matthew!" There was clapping for a second, but it died down extremely soon.

"My friends, I leave!" Natalia leapt off the table and bowed, walking out of the room backwards with her arms spread wide - achieving a uproar of applause as she left, mainly because it was the least awkward thing to do at that moment.

"Hello?" Matthew was left in the BLU base's living room, looking around haplessly. "I guess no-one's listening, eh?"

"Who are you?" A squeaky little voice asked.

"I'm Matthew." He replied, opening the BLU suitcase to see a very small bear cub. "And I think you may come in useful for our next bout against the RED team, eh? Just stay in the suitcase, Kumi…thing." He left to look for the others, who were wondering why they were waving to their Spy as she drove off. Who would be their Spy now? …Oh, yeah. That guy.


End file.
